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11:36 AM | 
Posted by
kender
I got these in a series, and added my thoughts, opinions and
observations in parentheses. Enjoy, Kender
(Most guys think you should learn after the first time you
experience 'splashdown'.)
(Look, a
lil' honesty here, even tho' you think men aren't honest, we don't
consider if a gift is gonna make you happy or not, unless we are in
trouble. Nope, we only consider if a gift is gonna get us laid. It's
as
simple as that.)
(enuff said)
(or, in the case of the truly undeveloped tactless man, the state of
your girlfriends asses)
(ESPECIALLY DURING FOOTBALL SEASON!!!!!)
(although we could be
wrong on that, the way they instituted women's hockey & wrestling)
(and if they do make it an Olympic sport, American women will crush
everybody at it, all the time, hands down, and I think I have known
some
medal contenders)
(This is the truest thing I have ever read)
(it is BEYOND blackmail, it should be one of
the
seven deadly sins. It should be a felony. It is the most manipulative
thing a woman can do. This is not a funny one.)
(Remember, we are men. We are simple creatures. Follow this one as
if it came from Heaven Above. In fact, it should be a commandment.)
(And when we forget because you didn't
remind us, [see rule #9], remember rule #8)
( Oh boy, could I go from here, why do you need 8 pairs of
black shoes? And while I am on shoes, those who wear high heels
deserve
what they get. If you can't wear comfortable shoes to go out around
town in, then don't expect any sympathy from us. BTW, wearing shoes
that hurt your feet, and telling us at the end of an evening that we'll
get no action "because my feet hurt" is grounds for your dismissal!!)
(Practice these words girls. They aren't as hard to say as you
think. After all, you have been saying no to most of the guys you know
your whole life.)
(Amen!!!)
(Hey, actually, 17 months and you'd be kicked to the curb. Face it, a
headache that lasts for a week is too long.)
(and your tire pressure)
(Actually, all
comments should be null and void after 20 minutes, and I am giving you
10 minutes longer than I want to. We do not, absolutely, under any
circumstances, remember comments you make, with very rare exceptions,
and almost all of those will have something to do with our physique
and/or our prowess in bed.)
( And if you do dress like Victorias Secret
girls, expect us to drool and paw you. Alot.)
(Although
experience has shown that women will ALWAYS take what a man says the
wrong way.)
(So
there!!!)
(However, if you do it yourself, shut up about it, you are
not
allowed to bring it up at all, ever. Period.)
(This is MANDATORY during any sports related show. Hell,
go
ahead and talk if you want, just keep it down and don't get pissy when
we don't listen.)
(Also, unlike women, we navigate by compass points, i.e., N.S.E.&W.
These are directions to us. Nobody has yet figured out how women
navigate, but if they ever do, I can guarantee that their system will
take at least three people, two of which will have to be at a gas
station or liquor store.)
(Once we get in your pants,
you're lucky if we stick around anyway, so deal with that too.)
(or periwinkle, or chartreuse, unless the
man is gay, in which case he will most likely see in 10,000 more colors
than any woman .)
(And that is a cue
you should take from us. Let go ladies, you only live once, be
comfortable.)
(get
over this one also, just because we don't know what you may be thinking
at a particular moment, really does not mean we don't love you, it just
means that, at that moment, you aren't thinking about sex or sports.)
(In other words, if something is wrong, and we ask,
tell us, unless you don't want our help fixing it. In that case, I
refer you back to rule #13.)
(And finally, all men in long
term
relationships have heard something along the lines of 'not tonight, I'm
too fat'. Lemme tell ya something. You will NEVER hear that from a
man.
EVER. It has been said that women will never be equal to men until they
can walk down the street with a beer gut and a bald head and think to
themselves "Yep, I am hot, baby!)
Amen Brothers and sisters.
Live it, learn it.
Crossposted at The Wide Awakes
observations in parentheses. Enjoy, Kender
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down.
(Most guys think you should learn after the first time you
experience 'splashdown'.)
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are special days, but not
quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
(Look, a
lil' honesty here, even tho' you think men aren't honest, we don't
consider if a gift is gonna make you happy or not, unless we are in
trouble. Nope, we only consider if a gift is gonna get us laid. It's
as
simple as that.)
3. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
(enuff said)
4. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and golf
shots.
(or, in the case of the truly undeveloped tactless man, the state of
your girlfriends asses)
5. Sunday=Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
(ESPECIALLY DURING FOOTBALL SEASON!!!!!)
6. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it
that way. It will never make an Olympic event.
(although we could be
wrong on that, the way they instituted women's hockey & wrestling)
(and if they do make it an Olympic sport, American women will crush
everybody at it, all the time, hands down, and I think I have known
some
medal contenders)
7. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
(This is the truest thing I have ever read)
8. Crying is blackmail.
(it is BEYOND blackmail, it should be one of
the
seven deadly sins. It should be a felony. It is the most manipulative
thing a woman can do. This is not a funny one.)
9. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say
it!
(Remember, we are men. We are simple creatures. Follow this one as
if it came from Heaven Above. In fact, it should be a commandment.)
10. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently.
(And when we forget because you didn't
remind us, [see rule #9], remember rule #8)
11. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think
we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with
your dress?
( Oh boy, could I go from here, why do you need 8 pairs of
black shoes? And while I am on shoes, those who wear high heels
deserve
what they get. If you can't wear comfortable shoes to go out around
town in, then don't expect any sympathy from us. BTW, wearing shoes
that hurt your feet, and telling us at the end of an evening that we'll
get no action "because my feet hurt" is grounds for your dismissal!!)
12. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
(Practice these words girls. They aren't as hard to say as you
think. After all, you have been saying no to most of the guys you know
your whole life.)
13. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
(Amen!!!)
14. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
(Hey, actually, 17 months and you'd be kicked to the curb. Face it, a
headache that lasts for a week is too long.)
15. Check your oil! Please.
(and your tire pressure)
16. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
(Actually, all
comments should be null and void after 20 minutes, and I am giving you
10 minutes longer than I want to. We do not, absolutely, under any
circumstances, remember comments you make, with very rare exceptions,
and almost all of those will have something to do with our physique
and/or our prowess in bed.)
17. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us
to act like soap opera guys.
( And if you do dress like Victorias Secret
girls, expect us to drool and paw you. Alot.)
18. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
(Although
experience has shown that women will ALWAYS take what a man says the
wrong way.)
19. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
(So
there!!!)
20. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
(However, if you do it yourself, shut up about it, you are
not
allowed to bring it up at all, ever. Period.)
21. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
(This is MANDATORY during any sports related show. Hell,
go
ahead and talk if you want, just keep it down and don't get pissy when
we don't listen.)
22. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
(Also, unlike women, we navigate by compass points, i.e., N.S.E.&W.
These are directions to us. Nobody has yet figured out how women
navigate, but if they ever do, I can guarantee that their system will
take at least three people, two of which will have to be at a gas
station or liquor store.)
23. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out. Deal with it.
(Once we get in your pants,
you're lucky if we stick around anyway, so deal with that too.)
24. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. ;-) We
have no idea what mauve is.
(or periwinkle, or chartreuse, unless the
man is gay, in which case he will most likely see in 10,000 more colors
than any woman .)
25. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
(And that is a cue
you should take from us. Let go ladies, you only live once, be
comfortable.)
26. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
(get
over this one also, just because we don't know what you may be thinking
at a particular moment, really does not mean we don't love you, it just
means that, at that moment, you aren't thinking about sex or sports.)
27. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will assume
nothing's wrong.
(In other words, if something is wrong, and we ask,
tell us, unless you don't want our help fixing it. In that case, I
refer you back to rule #13.)
28. I'm in shape. - Round IS a shape.
(And finally, all men in long
term
relationships have heard something along the lines of 'not tonight, I'm
too fat'. Lemme tell ya something. You will NEVER hear that from a
man.
EVER. It has been said that women will never be equal to men until they
can walk down the street with a beer gut and a bald head and think to
themselves "Yep, I am hot, baby!)
Amen Brothers and sisters.
Live it, learn it.
Crossposted at The Wide Awakes
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2 comments:
Too funny Kender! A long scrolling read, but worth every laugh.
Ya know what... ?!? Being separated, and slowly headed toward a divorce means that I really don't have to deal with any of this crap again for a very loooooong time.
More proof that Jesus loves me!
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